Entry 27: Mind Awake, Body Asleep

My lucid dreams are chasing after me. Not a lot of people get these vivid dreams. Something’s chasing after me, disallowing me from being the mediocre self that I am. I was meant to be better than who I am right now, so I have to step up.
Mind awake, body asleep.
This is what my mind is telling me. It’s completely saddened by the complete state that I keep getting into. Of the potential that could have been.
I can’t allow time to slip away like this again.

Entry 26: Friendly Fire

I am dysfunctional. I need to be in control again. Writing should help. Where is my life going anyway? I keep losing focus. Same old bad habits, started on that fated day on 2011. I guess I need to make more conscious efforts to fight. I continued with NoFap, it did me well, and now I have the privilege of working at home and taking control back in my life again – when I was complaining the year before on all the lost time from commutes and not having much focus on personal development and my own projects.
But yeah, I keep losing focus. And I’m not happy with what’s happening in my self, this direction I’m taking. My health was okay, a few months before, but I’m starting to lose the consistency and spiral back to the dark pasts – not eating well, not taking care of myself. I need to do more.
Dreams. What’s that thing you want to happen in your future that you want to fight for? I never fought for anything five years ago, or any way before that. I never fought for myself – and what I wanted to be. I was just riding the waves, waiting for God to spring some grand climactic event that would produce this burst of improvement in my life – the way I’ve been taught to think.
Now I have to align myself back. Writing this helps, really, a lot.
I’m still thinking the same damn depressing thoughts, for several years. It might be growing worse, or I’m just finding ways to ignore it. Working a 9 to 5 job certainly helps to keep me from thinking often, but that left me unsatisfied as I had cried while walking to work and back home while listening to songs like Tom Day’s “Who We Want to Be”, Tristam’s “Frame of Mind” and Porter Robinson’s “Fellow Feeling”.
I’m 22 years old, and that certainly doesn’t help knowing I should be better off, more together, more further along the way I think things should be. But I have to accept today so I could move. I have to accept that today is all I have, and I have to keep fighting this struggle against my demons. A few posts back, I mentioned meeting and talking to people as a waste of time – and it probably has been, the case, as I recall the past few months of this year making nonsense social interactions on Twitter or finding someone to masturbate with on Skype, or try to create something “more” that could just never really exist, in spite of how I believe that there’s something that could be there, something to help me. But no, humans can’t ever deal with my demons anymore, and I’ll have to be responsible enough to admit that no one’s gonna help me fight them except myself. I have to admit and fully let go of the notion that these people are going to do anything to make my life a full peaceful experience, because that can only come from myself. I have friends though. “Friends” being defined as people you’re close to and free to be myself with, but not entirely someone who’s always there – because that shit’s for the movies and for first world countries or people who’ve had a well-established past that let them create strong relationships.
Friends like J and R, where I’ve been honest with myself to, and how I know they want me to be my best. And that’s a good thing in a way. To love someone is to want and wish the best to happen to them, for them to be their best self. But it’s still up to me to be that best self.
What is my motivation? After all, I did find out about my sickness several months ago now.
I’ve been watching Mr. Robot recently. I’m likening my situation to Elliott’s discontent about society, and how he does something about it through F Society. Like him, it’s hard for me to interact to people, I overthink, I’ve grown cynical. I shouldn’t trust people with my time easily anymore. Haven’t I learned enough from this? Jeez. No matter how much you talk to people, you can’t really get close to them anymore. But yeah, these online interactions only get to little matters. If I ever go back to school, will I ever belong somewhere? Will I be able to interact easily and find friends that I could count on in times when the schoolwork gets too hard?
That story he wrote, about moving on from dark pasts, it certainly hits close to home. But it may be too good to be true.

Entry 25: Jumbled Chaos

This isn’t the kind of shit I want to be in. I enter into a jumbled chaos and get too concerned about the outcome instead of the content of the words I have to say or the recipient. Each time I talk to people and school comes up, I think about how I should have been way ahead, I should be the smart guy who was capable to do things. And I’m like shit, because younger people are ahead of me in many ways. And I can’t make friends without ever feeling inferior or self-depreciating. I’ve fucking tried to be friends with people. I feel like neither gender would want to have me around. I get anxious about whether people think I’m a fraud, and yes I am a fraud.

Entry 24: MSK

I have clung to people too much, and this, I have done, for a long time now. And it’s an unhealthy thing, giving myself to different kinds of people who I know won’t be responsible for me in any way. Is this how I learned to live? Is this what I adapted from my family?


Why did she give her all to me, abandoned her pursuit of self and her dreams? Was this an intentional decision, or is she merely a victim of the environment she grew up in as well? And this goes on – and if it does I may have to owe her my whole life like she has given up 30 years for us. No she didn’t give it up.. But sometimes I feel like that’s how it is, because apart from the role she has taken, who is she? And now how do I pay this back? I know that time will come when things will change. I will have to love, and love, and love. I can feel the deeper feelings and hurts, some which time can’t really conceal.


How do I get strong, when she is the only role model and I had no choice? How will I love her back when it’s a faulty fealty in which this stands?


I cling on, and all these people I will meet most likely wouldn’t change a thing. This transcendent change has to begin with me.

Entry 23: The Stray

“The strong can shoulder their way in anywhere, but who was defending the weak and seeking out the strays?”
“What makes you think you’re on the weaker side of the spectrum? Hasn’t this journey, so far, lead you to believe you are of greater significance?”
“I did learn about that, yeah. But no, I’m not talking about myself. I’m talking about those people going through so much, and are being expected to reach places in spite of their circumstances.”
“And you think that these people are in weakness? They are strong. They just aren’t strong by the standards we know..
..And we are all weak, in ways, as well. Although our weakness has to shy away, most of the time..for reasons that are obvious.
Have you ever seen an adult shed tears, in public, while on his own?”
“Well..aside from myself…I haven’t. But that doesn’t mean everyone else is strong, right?”
“Your time is one grounded on independence and self-sufficiency. It’s no wonder you’ve been looked down on.
The human experience for each individual is different. Why keep comparing yourself to the journey of others? Because theirs is so oddly similar – while yours, an emotional roller coaster? You wish to be ‘strong’ in their way, for things to work out smoothly?”
“YES, damn it!
YES. But it doesn’t work that way. There is no magic serum that could turn me into somebody else. Growth is something that eludes me through this years. In me is a feminine soul, and for many years it has waited for a change that couldn’t come. I couldn’t BE a man. I couldn’t be what my heart had always been screaming out to be…
…And how, then, will I start to let go of that?”
“Yeah…when you’ve grown all these years knowing you were wrong, how that got to you, held you back, and turned you into someone fearful..how do you let go of that?
BUT of course…you are strong.”
“Yes…and of course I can’t let this get to me. I think I know now how to take that step.”

Entry 22: The People I Met and The New Perspectives I Gained

I want to be there for the people who have the potential for success, but have no confidence to be able to do so. I want to push them forward, but at the same time I want to push ME forward, and create the utmost best of what I’m capable of in this short life.
I’ve met a lot of people this year, and that opened doors and new perspectives.
Meeting PERSON #1 gave light to that and all the “ordinary” man is capable of. For many times, it’s easy to label someone at first glance – mostly the shirtless, smoking dudes who I see around the streets. But his talent is just amazing – too think that he only started to write stories this year…while I’ve been struggling for several.
Meeting PERSON #2 gave light to the wisdom and hospitality, and showed me a new-found perspective of the foreigner’s view of the country, and he did see potential in me. It sucks that I couldn’t use it properly.
Meeting PERSON #3 gave me perspective about the road towards success for most people who are around my age. She’s doing her best, and sometimes I feel inadequate..incapable, because she thinks I’m capable of much more. And of course I would love to be, seeing as how many months have passed.
Meeting PERSON #4 last 2012 opened my eyes about families, and dreams, and I believed in him and helped him to record his songs and with the one I wrote, he made one of my dreams into a reality, somehow.
All these people – so much more I couldn’t list here (because I’ve met a lot, really) – have their stories, and dreams, their individual shots at life. And it’s true that the amount of money person has doesn’t at all determine his worth.
But of course, this could be another one of my excuses.
It all boils down to what I really want to happen to my life. Dreaming is easy, but actually making them a reality takes a lot of effort and requires pushing through the darkness, especially if that dream is unconventional – going against the river flowing within.
But maybe it’s not that hard.

Entry 20: The Filipino College Graduate Taboo

How come almost every new person I know asks about whether or not I’m studying, where, whether I graduated from college or not?

And if I tell them I don’t go to college, they seem to see that as a negative and see it as something that’s for the better, in the long run.

They’re right. But look… I messed up, okay? I can’t be that guy anymore and I know I could be having that “graduation picture with hundreds of likes”. 

And it’s frustrating how there are THESE PEOPLE who only like to associate themselves with people who have “graduated” or only those who study at a top school. Well, I guess they just want the ‘most of out of their life’ and will only associate themselves with QUALITY PEOPLE. But, anyway it shouldn’t bother me all too much. Even if it does. When I sleep, I get dreams about school often, and it’s a dream that is closely linked to a past shame. Well, not everyone has their success stories. It’s just those people that I can’t help but be in fury about. 

It sucks because I can’t be with them, and will never be, because of the turn of events in my life. But why would I want to be? It sucks because they won’t change. 


Entry 19: Taboos and Strangers

People come and go. I guess that’s how it is. We have the liberty to choose who we wish to be with.

There are more than 7 BILLION people across this planet.

To think that we’d only be able to come across less than 1% – heck less than 0.001% – in our lifetime is kind of a letdown. But for some it’s not, and it just means that there’s new possibilities with someone else out there since the amount of people are……..seemingly infinite.

So when you see a stranger, guess what, he’s just a part of the 0.000001% of the entire world population, or if we’re being country specific maybe just 1 out of the 100 million people in the Philippines. And there are tons of us.

So yeah. All these people.


Unity – nah, kinda hard now.

Same cause.

Entry 18: I’m Not Some Kind of Suit-Wearing Pocket-Filled Man

I’m sorry if you kind of expected me, or well….at least saw that I was or seemed to be – as some kind of rich entrepreneur with an organized office and bringing into fruition all sorts of ideas. I may seem to look that part, but I’m not. And sorry if I couldn’t correct that observation. No, I don’t know what’s it like to HAVE my own room, and stay in an uncrowded house. And I often wonder now how convenient and good for me that would be. I live in a small house with 3 people, and our house has objects everywhere and everyone has their own agendas to tend to, and so I find it hard to focus on mine. OH fuck. I’m supposed to be working on my projects right now, but why? Oh…just…fuck myself