I have clung to people too much, and this, I have done, for a long time now. And it’s an unhealthy thing, giving myself to different kinds of people who I know won’t be responsible for me in any way. Is this how I learned to live? Is this what I adapted from my family?
Why did she give her all to me, abandoned her pursuit of self and her dreams? Was this an intentional decision, or is she merely a victim of the environment she grew up in as well? And this goes on – and if it does I may have to owe her my whole life like she has given up 30 years for us. No she didn’t give it up.. But sometimes I feel like that’s how it is, because apart from the role she has taken, who is she? And now how do I pay this back? I know that time will come when things will change. I will have to love, and love, and love. I can feel the deeper feelings and hurts, some which time can’t really conceal.
How do I get strong, when she is the only role model and I had no choice? How will I love her back when it’s a faulty fealty in which this stands?
I cling on, and all these people I will meet most likely wouldn’t change a thing. This transcendent change has to begin with me.
Still dying. Same thoughts and state from 365 days ago. How sad. I can’t get through this on my own. But what use is blaming the circumstances now? Blaming the past? Funky town.
How come almost every new person I know asks about whether or not I’m studying, where, whether I graduated from college or not?
And if I tell them I don’t go to college, they seem to see that as a negative and see it as something that’s for the better, in the long run.
They’re right. But look… I messed up, okay? I can’t be that guy anymore and I know I could be having that “graduation picture with hundreds of likes”.
And it’s frustrating how there are THESE PEOPLE who only like to associate themselves with people who have “graduated” or only those who study at a top school. Well, I guess they just want the ‘most of out of their life’ and will only associate themselves with QUALITY PEOPLE. But, anyway it shouldn’t bother me all too much. Even if it does. When I sleep, I get dreams about school often, and it’s a dream that is closely linked to a past shame. Well, not everyone has their success stories. It’s just those people that I can’t help but be in fury about.
It sucks because I can’t be with them, and will never be, because of the turn of events in my life. But why would I want to be? It sucks because they won’t change.
People come and go. I guess that’s how it is. We have the liberty to choose who we wish to be with.
There are more than 7 BILLION people across this planet.
To think that we’d only be able to come across less than 1% – heck less than 0.001% – in our lifetime is kind of a letdown. But for some it’s not, and it just means that there’s new possibilities with someone else out there since the amount of people are……..seemingly infinite.
So when you see a stranger, guess what, he’s just a part of the 0.000001% of the entire world population, or if we’re being country specific maybe just 1 out of the 100 million people in the Philippines. And there are tons of us.
So yeah. All these people.
Unity – nah, kinda hard now.
I’m sorry if you kind of expected me, or well….at least saw that I was or seemed to be – as some kind of rich entrepreneur with an organized office and bringing into fruition all sorts of ideas. I may seem to look that part, but I’m not. And sorry if I couldn’t correct that observation. No, I don’t know what’s it like to HAVE my own room, and stay in an uncrowded house. And I often wonder now how convenient and good for me that would be. I live in a small house with 3 people, and our house has objects everywhere and everyone has their own agendas to tend to, and so I find it hard to focus on mine. OH fuck. I’m supposed to be working on my projects right now, but why? Oh…just…fuck myself