Entry 30: Castle of Glass

A little bit numb. This is how it felt like, how the days, months, and years seem to pass eh? You just play video games, masturbate for a bit, eat a little, and then sleep. Meanwhile, you’ve got so much going for you that you haven’t worked on. Really, these habits need to go and you don’t want it to keep killing you now, wouldn’t you?
You keep chasing after people, like you’ve always done for the past XX amount of years. Sure, there’s this kick out of meeting people and seeing what they’re like, but you’ve got a serious health condition, and it’s not a good idea. Besides, you’ve already got a lot of careless “one night stands” with people you don’t really even like, and even if you do like them, you can’t really offer them anything to make them stay.
I’ll really have to put in more effort into taking care of myself. Is it true that we only really have enough time for ourselves and a few close others? Is this behavior a byproduct of my mom’s altruistic outlook in life, the way I lack the strength to even take care of myself?
I still talk to different kinds of people. And here’s to reminiscing a few that I’ve had sex with from the past couple of years, that I still somehow talk to.
—–, who I’ve known for a couple of years, and yet not really close enough to sustain conversations with, because of course, of my restraints and lack of self-esteem. The story he wrote was of course, something I could totally get, except of course I didn’t go into that environment, the school, and that kinda sucks to think about a lot still.
There’s —, who I’ve known for almost a year. We’ve had some good passionate sex, one last March(or was it around May?), and then somewhere around a few weeks ago, and I like him, a lot. Just, yeah, I’m still a little bit doubtful of myself, and think really I shouldn’t be here. This shouldn’t be that person.
There’s ——-, which I met through Facebook. I didn’t really know he had a boyfriend at that time, and I was, of course, heavily guarded and quiet even as we ate that night. He’s extremely friendly on Twitter, and I’m not sure why we really went for sex that time.
(All in all, really most of my sexual encounters weren’t memorable. I did not actually like being fucked, as far as I could tell. It really depended on how it was done, so I could still say I’m a Versa kind of guy. I DID love fucking this one guy who I had eye contact with, and we did it twice. Probably my most memorable)
I’m not really sure why I’m looking back to these memories. A lot of them are quite colorful, but really, they’re not worth the space they occupy in my head that much. They felt meaningless, and I get that we need those sometimes, but did it really make me grow? Did I learn anything after all these experiences?

Entry 29: 4AM to 5AM Writings

I’m lonely. I keep believing that somewhere in my past I could have found my people, the friends who I’d spend amazing memories with, and that finding them could change my present. The best thing you’d probably get out of college are those connections, something I never got to have being a dropout. My relationships in high school failed – I was repressed and hid my sexuality. I burned bridges with old friends, because I thought it was okay to start with a new slate and that I’d find new opportunities to connect to high-quality people…I didn’t.
Fast forward now, and most of my connections are from friends I met online or through dating apps. Part of me is questioning the authenticity of these recent interactions. They aren’t as organic as they used to be, and the reason is we’re all growing adults now who’s supposed to be putting our lives together. The TV and movies show it accurately that a lot of things change when high school ends. If anything, maybe I’m putting too much hope in a concept of having my people, or maybe I’ve really actually found them, just no longer the bubbly, tickly, pingot-the-nose kind of relationships. No longer the everyday-we-hang-out kind of relationships, because we all really need to set our priorities and friendship isn’t really on top of the list. But the truth remains that I’m lonely and still hope that maybe I’ll be less disconnected. Are we all mostly feeling lonely most of the time? Are you? Maybe it’s just something I’ll have to keep learning to live with for now.
I could never imagine myself having a boyfriend yet. The thought of having one relationship that could take the loneliness away seems impossible. But everything doesn’t have to be in the right place or in perfect condition to be in a relationship. I just don’t want to rush things, but part of me is afraid I would be left behind if I don’t do something about it.
Maybe it’s you. Maybe I actually do love you, after all we’ve created nothing but positive memories, apart from one thing. Months have passed, and we never talked since then. Things didn’t feel right, as it has always been, with me. Maybe after all these times, I got used to being alone. The loneliness became a comfortable place where I don’t want to be in, but it was the only comfort I knew. Any effort to connect with someone feels constantly fruitless, and I am finding it hard to define a lot of things with relationships. And so we go back to whether or not clinging to a hope of my people is worth anything.
Late night thoughts are always trivial. One time, I could say that life is really simple and the connections you’ll ever really need will arrive when they need to be in your life, much like how people think when they believe in “if it’s not okay, it’s not the end”. And maybe small talk is important. It teaches patience, that deeper conversations about life can wait until you know people’s thoughts about the weather. That is something I am still learning.

Entry 28: Follow Me

I dislike my family because they ruined me. They didn’t know how to communicate with me or really talk to me about things that matter, things that I needed. I was a sponge, ready to absorb, thirsty for so much learning and yet all I believed while I was with them was I was shitty and worthless. 
What did I know though? I was blinded by God, thinking He was the answer to it all. I felt safe, but I didn’t need safety. I needed growth, improvement, discipline. Things that His safety couldn’t have brought. Days and years then passed. And now here I am, 22 years old, still burdened by the glorious could-have-beens of the past. The biggest weight upon which I still cannot bear, is that I STILL SUCK. 
What of it, though? What if things had played out differently? Let’s say I did manage to study in a different school. Would I have not been burdened the same by the weight of God, of resting in His peace, of the pressure to “let go” of ambitious desires, the same ones that extorted me to settle for a cheap plan for the future? I keep saying it’s a GREAT big COULD HAVE BEEN, but what if that ideal, were it to have occurred, converged quite roughly the same towards where I am now?
Much of five years ago’s GREAT BIG COULD HAVE BEEN still seems to all go back to when I was a kid. I was sad for all I remember. I had troubling memories of my mother. I did not communicate well. Much of my family’s behavior contributed to that sadness. I was surrounded by women and no one dared to help me in a deeper level. I am sure a lot of people in my age are having the same troubling memories of those pasts. Them looking back, seeing how wounds could have healed, and so on. So now, we’re all trying to pick ourselves up by the bootstraps, pretending we’ve got it all together.
Really, the big could have been as well was…I could have found the “right friends”. I know full well I wouldn’t have been able to get through college even if I studied at a better school. The present sucks, but I’m gonna have to follow the common advice – to accept that where I am right now is where I needed to be. And who I am right now is who I needed to become.
Fast forward: The present. I’m mostly alone. I earn money at the comfort of my home. I’m still a little insecure about my skills, but I’m definitely improving. I had the right tools that I didn’t have before. It’s certainly easy to wonder if there was an alternate me who exists, in a different version of time, making the different choices. Would he have been better off? Would he have blossomed and fought the social repression, would he have had multiple options and opportunities? Most definitely, there’s that possibility. Hell, I would hope I had known about an alternative option than college early on. I wish I had learned that the faulty education system was not a good fit for me, and somehow reached out or contacted a few companies to intern at the young age of 17. Maybe I could have learned to code earlier, and used the Internet to learn things beyond school, while I was in high school. Instead I tried to fit in and forced myself to be someone I am not. As a result, I’ve grown to become awkward, shy and just heavily incapable and disinterested. The past year’s efforts to socialize ended up in vain. I kept a few friends, but I don’t really even talk to them as much as I’d like to, or just lack the ability to.
I’m afraid I might end up chasing those lost opportunities, those lost parts of myself that don’t really exist. I’m afraid that I’ll end up pining to redeem myself from all the could-have’s that piled up and it would steal my happiness.
I will have to make the effort to not let that happen again. I am me, because of all of these experiences. And I’m the only one that I’ve got.
I can change the world. I think I can.

Entry 27: Mind Awake, Body Asleep

My lucid dreams are chasing after me. Not a lot of people get these vivid dreams. Something’s chasing after me, disallowing me from being the mediocre self that I am. I was meant to be better than who I am right now, so I have to step up.
Mind awake, body asleep.
This is what my mind is telling me. It’s completely saddened by the complete state that I keep getting into. Of the potential that could have been.
I can’t allow time to slip away like this again.

Entry 26: Friendly Fire

I am dysfunctional. I need to be in control again. Writing should help. Where is my life going anyway? I keep losing focus. Same old bad habits, started on that fated day on 2011. I guess I need to make more conscious efforts to fight. I continued with NoFap, it did me well, and now I have the privilege of working at home and taking control back in my life again – when I was complaining the year before on all the lost time from commutes and not having much focus on personal development and my own projects.
But yeah, I keep losing focus. And I’m not happy with what’s happening in my self, this direction I’m taking. My health was okay, a few months before, but I’m starting to lose the consistency and spiral back to the dark pasts – not eating well, not taking care of myself. I need to do more.
Dreams. What’s that thing you want to happen in your future that you want to fight for? I never fought for anything five years ago, or any way before that. I never fought for myself – and what I wanted to be. I was just riding the waves, waiting for God to spring some grand climactic event that would produce this burst of improvement in my life – the way I’ve been taught to think.
Now I have to align myself back. Writing this helps, really, a lot.
I’m still thinking the same damn depressing thoughts, for several years. It might be growing worse, or I’m just finding ways to ignore it. Working a 9 to 5 job certainly helps to keep me from thinking often, but that left me unsatisfied as I had cried while walking to work and back home while listening to songs like Tom Day’s “Who We Want to Be”, Tristam’s “Frame of Mind” and Porter Robinson’s “Fellow Feeling”.
I’m 22 years old, and that certainly doesn’t help knowing I should be better off, more together, more further along the way I think things should be. But I have to accept today so I could move. I have to accept that today is all I have, and I have to keep fighting this struggle against my demons. A few posts back, I mentioned meeting and talking to people as a waste of time – and it probably has been, the case, as I recall the past few months of this year making nonsense social interactions on Twitter or finding someone to masturbate with on Skype, or try to create something “more” that could just never really exist, in spite of how I believe that there’s something that could be there, something to help me. But no, humans can’t ever deal with my demons anymore, and I’ll have to be responsible enough to admit that no one’s gonna help me fight them except myself. I have to admit and fully let go of the notion that these people are going to do anything to make my life a full peaceful experience, because that can only come from myself. I have friends though. “Friends” being defined as people you’re close to and free to be myself with, but not entirely someone who’s always there – because that shit’s for the movies and for first world countries or people who’ve had a well-established past that let them create strong relationships.
Friends like J and R, where I’ve been honest with myself to, and how I know they want me to be my best. And that’s a good thing in a way. To love someone is to want and wish the best to happen to them, for them to be their best self. But it’s still up to me to be that best self.
What is my motivation? After all, I did find out about my sickness several months ago now.
I’ve been watching Mr. Robot recently. I’m likening my situation to Elliott’s discontent about society, and how he does something about it through F Society. Like him, it’s hard for me to interact to people, I overthink, I’ve grown cynical. I shouldn’t trust people with my time easily anymore. Haven’t I learned enough from this? Jeez. No matter how much you talk to people, you can’t really get close to them anymore. But yeah, these online interactions only get to little matters. If I ever go back to school, will I ever belong somewhere? Will I be able to interact easily and find friends that I could count on in times when the schoolwork gets too hard?
That story he wrote, about moving on from dark pasts, it certainly hits close to home. But it may be too good to be true.

Entry 25: Jumbled Chaos

This isn’t the kind of shit I want to be in. I enter into a jumbled chaos and get too concerned about the outcome instead of the content of the words I have to say or the recipient. Each time I talk to people and school comes up, I think about how I should have been way ahead, I should be the smart guy who was capable to do things. And I’m like shit, because younger people are ahead of me in many ways. And I can’t make friends without ever feeling inferior or self-depreciating. I’ve fucking tried to be friends with people. I feel like neither gender would want to have me around. I get anxious about whether people think I’m a fraud, and yes I am a fraud.

Entry 24: MSK

I have clung to people too much, and this, I have done, for a long time now. And it’s an unhealthy thing, giving myself to different kinds of people who I know won’t be responsible for me in any way. Is this how I learned to live? Is this what I adapted from my family?

 

Why did she give her all to me, abandoned her pursuit of self and her dreams? Was this an intentional decision, or is she merely a victim of the environment she grew up in as well? And this goes on – and if it does I may have to owe her my whole life like she has given up 30 years for us. No she didn’t give it up.. But sometimes I feel like that’s how it is, because apart from the role she has taken, who is she? And now how do I pay this back? I know that time will come when things will change. I will have to love, and love, and love. I can feel the deeper feelings and hurts, some which time can’t really conceal.

 

How do I get strong, when she is the only role model and I had no choice? How will I love her back when it’s a faulty fealty in which this stands?

 

I cling on, and all these people I will meet most likely wouldn’t change a thing. This transcendent change has to begin with me.

Entry 23: The Stray

“The strong can shoulder their way in anywhere, but who was defending the weak and seeking out the strays?”
“What makes you think you’re on the weaker side of the spectrum? Hasn’t this journey, so far, lead you to believe you are of greater significance?”
“I did learn about that, yeah. But no, I’m not talking about myself. I’m talking about those people going through so much, and are being expected to reach places in spite of their circumstances.”
“And you think that these people are in weakness? They are strong. They just aren’t strong by the standards we know..
..And we are all weak, in ways, as well. Although our weakness has to shy away, most of the time..for reasons that are obvious.
Have you ever seen an adult shed tears, in public, while on his own?”
“Well..aside from myself…I haven’t. But that doesn’t mean everyone else is strong, right?”
“Your time is one grounded on independence and self-sufficiency. It’s no wonder you’ve been looked down on.
The human experience for each individual is different. Why keep comparing yourself to the journey of others? Because theirs is so oddly similar – while yours, an emotional roller coaster? You wish to be ‘strong’ in their way, for things to work out smoothly?”
“YES, damn it!
YES. But it doesn’t work that way. There is no magic serum that could turn me into somebody else. Growth is something that eludes me through this years. In me is a feminine soul, and for many years it has waited for a change that couldn’t come. I couldn’t BE a man. I couldn’t be what my heart had always been screaming out to be…
…And how, then, will I start to let go of that?”
“Yeah…when you’ve grown all these years knowing you were wrong, how that got to you, held you back, and turned you into someone fearful..how do you let go of that?
BUT of course…you are strong.”
“Yes…and of course I can’t let this get to me. I think I know now how to take that step.”

Entry 22: The People I Met and The New Perspectives I Gained

I want to be there for the people who have the potential for success, but have no confidence to be able to do so. I want to push them forward, but at the same time I want to push ME forward, and create the utmost best of what I’m capable of in this short life.
I’ve met a lot of people this year, and that opened doors and new perspectives.
Meeting PERSON #1 gave light to that and all the “ordinary” man is capable of. For many times, it’s easy to label someone at first glance – mostly the shirtless, smoking dudes who I see around the streets. But his talent is just amazing – too think that he only started to write stories this year…while I’ve been struggling for several.
Meeting PERSON #2 gave light to the wisdom and hospitality, and showed me a new-found perspective of the foreigner’s view of the country, and he did see potential in me. It sucks that I couldn’t use it properly.
Meeting PERSON #3 gave me perspective about the road towards success for most people who are around my age. She’s doing her best, and sometimes I feel inadequate..incapable, because she thinks I’m capable of much more. And of course I would love to be, seeing as how many months have passed.
Meeting PERSON #4 last 2012 opened my eyes about families, and dreams, and I believed in him and helped him to record his songs and with the one I wrote, he made one of my dreams into a reality, somehow.
All these people – so much more I couldn’t list here (because I’ve met a lot, really) – have their stories, and dreams, their individual shots at life. And it’s true that the amount of money person has doesn’t at all determine his worth.
But of course, this could be another one of my excuses.
It all boils down to what I really want to happen to my life. Dreaming is easy, but actually making them a reality takes a lot of effort and requires pushing through the darkness, especially if that dream is unconventional – going against the river flowing within.
But maybe it’s not that hard.