Entry 6: Procrasti Nation

Kaylan’s Struggle Diary

Written on October 25, 2013

OK, so just wondering about all the wasted time we’ve all given to the internet.. wondering if all that time could be invested in somewhere else. What kind of change would we make then?

I kinda hate myself for seeing all this time go by. So much of it wasted, when I know that with all this time, it could be made to create something more. To make something with a purpose. And yet it goes on….millions of people, I guess… slowly eating us away…

Last night, I had this dream (or a nightmare?) about a computer virus affecting the entire world… this virus in as a some kind of notification, where once clicked, access to the internet is cut off and this affects not just you, but a huge area around you. Some sort of a pandemic arises then, since there doesn’t seem to be a “cure” for this virus that’s keeping us from using the internet. People are thinking of a way to stop this virus but it’s not happening.. and businesses are crumbling down and stuff like that. It’s a weird dream.

I know the internet has been a huge part of our lives, most especially these past few years. Advancement in technology is just skyrocketing ever since, and so many changes and improvements have happened. Now you could gain followers from all over the world, and have your voice heard – and this I guess is the internet’s greatest strength where our planet could draw closer to each other.

Just don’t let your internet usage close doors – it could open a million possibilities. And that’s what I’m hoping for – to make those possibilities a reality.

Entry 5: Stars in the Daylight

Kaylan’s Struggle Diary

Written on October 25, 2013

I feel terrible. Like I could explode. Like I’m not worth it. It’s not really worth it. I’m not doing well and this I know. It’s been like this for years. Since 6 years ago. No, even more that. How I feel so uneasy. How I feel like I’m always wrong and deep down it’s all just a lie. The goodness, the optimism. The brighter days. I’m trash left outside, waiting for a garbage truck to pick me up.

Maybe I’m just acting like this because I’m not seeing my breakthrough. Or I’m not seeing some of sort of huge dramatic plot twist where the happy ending’s beginning to come in view. Movies can be like that – and our lives ain’t a movie. 

I remember some advice given to me some time ago.

“Just because you’re discouraged does not mean anything is wrong with you. Sometimes the miracle doesn’t happen around you. Sometimes God is making a miracle IN you.”

As cheesy as that sounds, I agree completely. I know that even though this journey isn’t what I’m expecting to be – things aren’t changing, it’s not the way of life I’d like it, and still, this has been what I’ve been feeling for so many years. The miracle inside of me, I feel it somehow. And at the end of the day the star still shines in the daylight.

Entry 4: Shake the System

Kaylan’s Struggle Diary

Written on October 14, 2013

The system needs to be shaken. Our systems. Our inclinations and whatever we thought really matters. How can we move beyond this system – from walking by sight and seeing the things that we normally see…to walking by faith where we see the unseen.

I tend to give in to my urges a lot, and I’m sure others do too. With sex being too mainstream as it is, it’s a scenario that I could liken to this “faith and sight” comparison. How do we fight what we’ve known all along and walk in ways that are unfamiliar to us?

How do I turn these ideas, this creativity, into action? I need to plan out my thoughts and use what I’ve been given wisely. To help and to make a difference to what matters most, definitely.

I surely need to go for a walk and gather those ideas that just pop up.

Entry 3: Supposedly Moving Onward

Kaylan’s Struggle Diary

Written on September 20, 2013

I feel much better now although I know things aren’t all too clear. For millions of people out there, it isn’t too. How the next few years could be very far from what you want it. How your dreams and the reality that others experience but you don’t isn’t something you breathe. So, I suppose it’s fine and I’m better off thankful. In spite of the lack, the peace, it’s there. Sometimes I think it just might not be okay to be okay. But I’m learning and know that somehow, I’m fine. In spite of the crap I feel. Maybe. I don’t know.

Entry 2: Hopeful and Hopeless

Kaylan’s Struggle Diary

Written on August 9, 2013 

I don’t know why I just don’t freakin’ do it. It has to be easy. I just have to look him dead in the eye and take him on. Yet my fists aren’t as sturdy as most men. It’s that fear of taking life head on, but then just bounce back and fall flat.. it’s holding me back. And now I still don’t have any plans. I still wish I could have been raised in a different way to be someone brave and with confidence. 
 
Why am I like this… Damn you. Instead of just doing it and sorting your thoughts out you’d rather hide and pull back, running away from the life that’s ahead of you… 

Entry 1: A Sad Jungle

Kaylan’s Struggle Diary

Written on June 20, 2013

I look at all the people…
Should I say hi to them?
Of course, they’d probably think of me as just some random stranger in the internet.
And I’m just that. A stranger.
And how do we treat humans really?
Maybe there’s some love set aside in each one of us.
To see people beyond what we think they are.
To reach out instead of ignore, or instead of talking with words of hurt.
What does it take to be nice?
Isn’t there all too much of hate going around and why would we want to add to it?
Is the world really a sad battle royale…
a sad jungle, full of carnivores… taking pleasure and strength seeing others fall down and broken?
If this is how humanity really is, I would rather die than conform.
I’d rather be weak than fight back.
I’d rather be consumed than to rise up with pride.
-Kaylan,