Kaylan’s Struggle Diary
Written on October 25, 2013
I feel terrible. Like I could explode. Like I’m not worth it. It’s not really worth it. I’m not doing well and this I know. It’s been like this for years. Since 6 years ago. No, even more that. How I feel so uneasy. How I feel like I’m always wrong and deep down it’s all just a lie. The goodness, the optimism. The brighter days. I’m trash left outside, waiting for a garbage truck to pick me up.
Maybe I’m just acting like this because I’m not seeing my breakthrough. Or I’m not seeing some of sort of huge dramatic plot twist where the happy ending’s beginning to come in view. Movies can be like that – and our lives ain’t a movie.
I remember some advice given to me some time ago.
“Just because you’re discouraged does not mean anything is wrong with you. Sometimes the miracle doesn’t happen around you. Sometimes God is making a miracle IN you.”
As cheesy as that sounds, I agree completely. I know that even though this journey isn’t what I’m expecting to be – things aren’t changing, it’s not the way of life I’d like it, and still, this has been what I’ve been feeling for so many years. The miracle inside of me, I feel it somehow. And at the end of the day the star still shines in the daylight.