Entry 10: Easier To Say For You

KAYLAN’S STRUGGLE DIARY

WRITTEN NOVEMBER 15, 2013

Sometimes I think it’s easier for people to say things. Easier to say ‘God loves me’, ‘God will bless you’, ‘God will fulfill his plans for you’… with the amount of people in the world, with the amount of deaths occurring day-by-day and the amount of bad that goes on. It’s easier for some people, because they’ve got it good. 

They don’t know what it’s like to live here. They could say God is faithful, because they don’t lack any basic need and overflows with even more. Nice clothes and endeavors of vanity, a grand production, sports like golf and coffee at Starbucks everyday.

Wouldn’t it be easy to say ‘God is faithful’, ‘God never fails’ then?

But then, it’s not about that anyway. God bless me with resilience, the resilience he has given my fellow countrymen. Who live on in life, without all these endeavors of vanity, with a life free from much riches. It is a blessing, still. Far more than any televangelist or that preacher wearing a thousand-dollar outfit, and the audience who are able to say ‘hallelujah’ with all they have.

But it’s not about that really. It has never been about that. We, myself included, have looked at the wrong things and at the wrong definitions of success. The system’s entirely twisted, and maybe this is why it all feels wrong. It all feels so wrong, that we just ignore it all out through means of entertainment, vanity, humor, and anything that could get us distracted from the truth.

And I still believe that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life.

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Entry 9: Be and Down, Going Down

Kaylan’s Struggle Diary

Written November 5, 2013

I was sick these past few days. Odd thing is, I couldn’t seem to think a lot. Maybe I had to stop thinking a lot for a while, since it’s stirring unnecessary turmoil within my soul. Thoughts about the future, life, and stuff. I can’t really type in anything that much.

Sometimes I just don’t know if “letting it be” is the best option there could be. Most certainly, if we would like to change, we can’t just let things “be”.

Entry 8: Contradicting Rivers

A written message to myself over a year ago..

Kaylan’s Struggle Diary

Written October 7, 2012

Hey there.

Hi. Look, you can’t have everything. Things can’t always go your way. In truth, it shouldn’t be. Because it’s not always the best for you. What you want isn’t the best, what you desire isn’t the best. You might want to conform, but still, you’ll feel crap.

It’s a terrible thing. The fraud they put up. Thinking that they have it all together. “Be Like me”, though they implicitly express it, it’s still there nonetheless. So much pride everywhere. So much narcissism, that’s unhealthy..

Just thinking about it heavily frustrates me. I’m just frustrated that I can’t be… that someone i expect myself to be. Or what I feel is right. I can’t accept myself because i’m still searching, looking, making sense out of what’s between the lines.

There has got to be something more out there. Here I go again. But I’m not at peace…with myself and i’m not…i’m just heavily anxious because of nothing. Nothing.

Or….I just can’t get what i want. What i really want. Because what i want isn’t possible, isn’t legitimate enough.

I just don’t fit in the world’s stereotypes. I shouldn’t get frustrated over nothing. I guess this is maybe why God told us not to attach ourselves too much, and get really comfortable here. Or it’s just me feeling like i’m not for here, or i’m not for the cheap things and these stupid endeavors that i don’t know… just to pass time?

What is there to reach? What highest high or lowest low can be possible? I guess just one thing about being too unattached are the thoughts of the future. The imaginary. The hope of the unseen. That, to which others may perceive as weird or insane.

I can’t wait for heaven but what about it? What’s there? I Don’t want to struggle anymore. And I don’t want to struggle to get to heaven. Heaven isn’t something we earn…it’s a free gift to those who believe in Jesus, God manifesting himself as love.

I won’t try to fit in and I will try to remain unattached. Though that goal can be a sad thing, because it’s like opposite of what everyone calls as success or “living a life well-lived”. How come I can’t just be? How come i still have to change….

All these contradictions has always been crazy for me.

So, God, I just want to ask you to keep me focused. Straighten me out. Keep my heart alive. I don’t want to keep my life, I want to lose it. But with so much contradictions, it’s so hard to tell what’s right and wrong. But, the way i lived, i’ve been taught to just take everything in and not decide for myself. Let the rivers rush.

Your yoke is easy, and your burden is light.

So please do lift my burdens away. ….Thanks.

Entry 7: Creating Reality

November 2, 2013

 
“It’s great to meet and know people from different parts of the world and some of them I feel a real close kinship to, but it takes up much of The time I could be spending in real life. How do we combat this issue?”
 
“Yeah. I kinda feel like it’s destructive, though I wish those bonds could be brought over to real life.. then everything would be easier..”
 
“Then the possibilities would become reality. The miracle inside of us may bloom one day and we may find ourselves in a field of blooming flowers all around us, our friends from all over.”
 
“I’m thinking maybe now it’s just often still an illusion.. An escape from reality, still, as we try to seek comfort in creating our own little world, still inside our bubble.. but yeah, it’s nice knowing how MANY miles away there are people like you..
who are a part of my life. I just want it to be real. But of course I have hope…”
 
“So are we all engaging in a kind of mutual escape of reality?
Do you think we wouldn’t need this communication as much if we could create it in real life around us? And would we feel ok about letting each other go and not talking as much?”
 
“I’ve known a lot of people in real life yet not anyone who really “gets it”, or just “fits” the way you do..”
 
“Maybe the internet and technology is evolution’s or gods way of connecting people who wouldn’t ordinarily be connected. Maybe the next step in the evolution is to make this a reality. To actually form these communities of like minded people
Maybe that’s the purpose of it. And we notice it as an illusion and partially destructive for the time being. And if is, but maybe it is necessary until we can actualize it in reality.”
 
“If that’s the case, we could do that. I just wonder if we could focus on our goals a bit more. We have a long way to go and a life ahead of us, and I wish we could try our best to not abandon that. Especially now that we know what really matters..
I don’t want to stay as an audience anymore and observing the world from a distance.. I want to participate to making significant change..”