Entry 8: Contradicting Rivers

A written message to myself over a year ago..

Kaylan’s Struggle Diary

Written October 7, 2012

Hey there.

Hi. Look, you can’t have everything. Things can’t always go your way. In truth, it shouldn’t be. Because it’s not always the best for you. What you want isn’t the best, what you desire isn’t the best. You might want to conform, but still, you’ll feel crap.

It’s a terrible thing. The fraud they put up. Thinking that they have it all together. “Be Like me”, though they implicitly express it, it’s still there nonetheless. So much pride everywhere. So much narcissism, that’s unhealthy..

Just thinking about it heavily frustrates me. I’m just frustrated that I can’t be… that someone i expect myself to be. Or what I feel is right. I can’t accept myself because i’m still searching, looking, making sense out of what’s between the lines.

There has got to be something more out there. Here I go again. But I’m not at peace…with myself and i’m not…i’m just heavily anxious because of nothing. Nothing.

Or….I just can’t get what i want. What i really want. Because what i want isn’t possible, isn’t legitimate enough.

I just don’t fit in the world’s stereotypes. I shouldn’t get frustrated over nothing. I guess this is maybe why God told us not to attach ourselves too much, and get really comfortable here. Or it’s just me feeling like i’m not for here, or i’m not for the cheap things and these stupid endeavors that i don’t know… just to pass time?

What is there to reach? What highest high or lowest low can be possible? I guess just one thing about being too unattached are the thoughts of the future. The imaginary. The hope of the unseen. That, to which others may perceive as weird or insane.

I can’t wait for heaven but what about it? What’s there? I Don’t want to struggle anymore. And I don’t want to struggle to get to heaven. Heaven isn’t something we earn…it’s a free gift to those who believe in Jesus, God manifesting himself as love.

I won’t try to fit in and I will try to remain unattached. Though that goal can be a sad thing, because it’s like opposite of what everyone calls as success or “living a life well-lived”. How come I can’t just be? How come i still have to change….

All these contradictions has always been crazy for me.

So, God, I just want to ask you to keep me focused. Straighten me out. Keep my heart alive. I don’t want to keep my life, I want to lose it. But with so much contradictions, it’s so hard to tell what’s right and wrong. But, the way i lived, i’ve been taught to just take everything in and not decide for myself. Let the rivers rush.

Your yoke is easy, and your burden is light.

So please do lift my burdens away. ….Thanks.

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One thought on “Entry 8: Contradicting Rivers

  1. I happened to read this one, and it really spoke to me. There was a time when I had to deal with the gap between my old identity and my personal feelings. I was caught between conforming to rigid standards as part of being who I “ought to be,” and just feeling tired of that all the time. I wanted something different, but I hated myself for feeling that way too. This was a long-standing issue with me, and it persisted for over a decade. I like what you wrote here. After reading it, I feel more comfortable with the decision I made to stop fighting for a cause I don’t believe in anymore. The real issue was just that I didn’t have my heart in the things I was supposed to want to be and to live for. I think it doesn’t matter how practical something is when there’s no true desire for it. We can find more peace in following our intuition, living for simple goals and staying in the moment. The present is a good place to be to find inner peace. It’s active and it’s always changing. It gives you the freedom to do what you want, instead of just measuring up to an image. As long as you do what you want the most, you can enjoy life the most by being yourself. I think that yields good results. Anyway, it’s a way of life I decided on eventually. I’m not sure of everything, but I have the freedom to figure things out through life experiences, and being right isn’t everything, trust me, I know!

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