Entry 24: MSK

I have clung to people too much, and this, I have done, for a long time now. And it’s an unhealthy thing, giving myself to different kinds of people who I know won’t be responsible for me in any way. Is this how I learned to live? Is this what I adapted from my family?

 

Why did she give her all to me, abandoned her pursuit of self and her dreams? Was this an intentional decision, or is she merely a victim of the environment she grew up in as well? And this goes on – and if it does I may have to owe her my whole life like she has given up 30 years for us. No she didn’t give it up.. But sometimes I feel like that’s how it is, because apart from the role she has taken, who is she? And now how do I pay this back? I know that time will come when things will change. I will have to love, and love, and love. I can feel the deeper feelings and hurts, some which time can’t really conceal.

 

How do I get strong, when she is the only role model and I had no choice? How will I love her back when it’s a faulty fealty in which this stands?

 

I cling on, and all these people I will meet most likely wouldn’t change a thing. This transcendent change has to begin with me.

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Entry 23: The Stray

“The strong can shoulder their way in anywhere, but who was defending the weak and seeking out the strays?”
“What makes you think you’re on the weaker side of the spectrum? Hasn’t this journey, so far, lead you to believe you are of greater significance?”
“I did learn about that, yeah. But no, I’m not talking about myself. I’m talking about those people going through so much, and are being expected to reach places in spite of their circumstances.”
“And you think that these people are in weakness?¬†They are strong. They just aren’t strong by the standards we know..
..And we are all weak, in ways, as well. Although our weakness has to shy away, most of the time..for reasons that are obvious.
Have you ever seen an adult shed tears, in public, while on his own?”
“Well..aside from myself…I haven’t. But that doesn’t mean everyone else is strong, right?”
“Your time is one grounded on independence and self-sufficiency. It’s no wonder you’ve been looked down on.
The human experience for each individual is different. Why keep comparing yourself to the journey of others? Because theirs is so oddly similar – while yours, an emotional roller coaster? You wish to be ‘strong’ in their way, for things to work out smoothly?”
“YES, damn it!
YES. But it doesn’t work that way. There is no magic serum that could turn me into somebody else. Growth is something that eludes me through this years. In me is a feminine soul, and for many years it has waited for a change that couldn’t come. I couldn’t BE a man. I couldn’t be what my heart had always been screaming out to be…
…And how, then, will I start to let go of that?”
“Yeah…when you’ve grown all these years knowing you were wrong, how that got to you, held you back, and turned you into someone fearful..how do you let go of that?
BUT of course…you are strong.”
“Yes…and of course I can’t let this get to me. I think I know now how to take that step.”