Entry 24: MSK

I have clung to people too much, and this, I have done, for a long time now. And it’s an unhealthy thing, giving myself to different kinds of people who I know won’t be responsible for me in any way. Is this how I learned to live? Is this what I adapted from my family?

 

Why did she give her all to me, abandoned her pursuit of self and her dreams? Was this an intentional decision, or is she merely a victim of the environment she grew up in as well? And this goes on – and if it does I may have to owe her my whole life like she has given up 30 years for us. No she didn’t give it up.. But sometimes I feel like that’s how it is, because apart from the role she has taken, who is she? And now how do I pay this back? I know that time will come when things will change. I will have to love, and love, and love. I can feel the deeper feelings and hurts, some which time can’t really conceal.

 

How do I get strong, when she is the only role model and I had no choice? How will I love her back when it’s a faulty fealty in which this stands?

 

I cling on, and all these people I will meet most likely wouldn’t change a thing. This transcendent change has to begin with me.

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