I dislike my family because they ruined me. They didn’t know how to communicate with me or really talk to me about things that matter, things that I needed. I was a sponge, ready to absorb, thirsty for so much learning and yet all I believed while I was with them was I was shitty and worthless.
What did I know though? I was blinded by God, thinking He was the answer to it all. I felt safe, but I didn’t need safety. I needed growth, improvement, discipline. Things that His safety couldn’t have brought. Days and years then passed. And now here I am, 22 years old, still burdened by the glorious could-have-beens of the past. The biggest weight upon which I still cannot bear, is that I STILL SUCK.
What of it, though? What if things had played out differently? Let’s say I did manage to study in a different school. Would I have not been burdened the same by the weight of God, of resting in His peace, of the pressure to “let go” of ambitious desires, the same ones that extorted me to settle for a cheap plan for the future? I keep saying it’s a GREAT big COULD HAVE BEEN, but what if that ideal, were it to have occurred, converged quite roughly the same towards where I am now?
Much of five years ago’s GREAT BIG COULD HAVE BEEN still seems to all go back to when I was a kid. I was sad for all I remember. I had troubling memories of my mother. I did not communicate well. Much of my family’s behavior contributed to that sadness. I was surrounded by women and no one dared to help me in a deeper level. I am sure a lot of people in my age are having the same troubling memories of those pasts. Them looking back, seeing how wounds could have healed, and so on. So now, we’re all trying to pick ourselves up by the bootstraps, pretending we’ve got it all together.
Really, the big could have been as well was…I could have found the “right friends”. I know full well I wouldn’t have been able to get through college even if I studied at a better school. The present sucks, but I’m gonna have to follow the common advice – to accept that where I am right now is where I needed to be. And who I am right now is who I needed to become.
Fast forward: The present. I’m mostly alone. I earn money at the comfort of my home. I’m still a little insecure about my skills, but I’m definitely improving. I had the right tools that I didn’t have before. It’s certainly easy to wonder if there was an alternate me who exists, in a different version of time, making the different choices. Would he have been better off? Would he have blossomed and fought the social repression, would he have had multiple options and opportunities? Most definitely, there’s that possibility. Hell, I would hope I had known about an alternative option than college early on. I wish I had learned that the faulty education system was not a good fit for me, and somehow reached out or contacted a few companies to intern at the young age of 17. Maybe I could have learned to code earlier, and used the Internet to learn things beyond school, while I was in high school. Instead I tried to fit in and forced myself to be someone I am not. As a result, I’ve grown to become awkward, shy and just heavily incapable and disinterested. The past year’s efforts to socialize ended up in vain. I kept a few friends, but I don’t really even talk to them as much as I’d like to, or just lack the ability to.
I’m afraid I might end up chasing those lost opportunities, those lost parts of myself that don’t really exist. I’m afraid that I’ll end up pining to redeem myself from all the could-have’s that piled up and it would steal my happiness.
I will have to make the effort to not let that happen again. I am me, because of all of these experiences. And I’m the only one that I’ve got.
I can change the world. I think I can.