Entry 29: 4AM to 5AM Writings

I’m lonely. I keep believing that somewhere in my past I could have found my people, the friends who I’d spend amazing memories with, and that finding them could change my present. The best thing you’d probably get out of college are those connections, something I never got to have being a dropout. My relationships in high school failed – I was repressed and hid my sexuality. I burned bridges with old friends, because I thought it was okay to start with a new slate and that I’d find new opportunities to connect to high-quality people…I didn’t.
Fast forward now, and most of my connections are from friends I met online or through dating apps. Part of me is questioning the authenticity of these recent interactions. They aren’t as organic as they used to be, and the reason is we’re all growing adults now who’s supposed to be putting our lives together. The TV and movies show it accurately that a lot of things change when high school ends. If anything, maybe I’m putting too much hope in a concept of having my people, or maybe I’ve really actually found them, just no longer the bubbly, tickly, pingot-the-nose kind of relationships. No longer the everyday-we-hang-out kind of relationships, because we all really need to set our priorities and friendship isn’t really on top of the list. But the truth remains that I’m lonely and still hope that maybe I’ll be less disconnected. Are we all mostly feeling lonely most of the time? Are you? Maybe it’s just something I’ll have to keep learning to live with for now.
I could never imagine myself having a boyfriend yet. The thought of having one relationship that could take the loneliness away seems impossible. But everything doesn’t have to be in the right place or in perfect condition to be in a relationship. I just don’t want to rush things, but part of me is afraid I would be left behind if I don’t do something about it.
Maybe it’s you. Maybe I actually do love you, after all we’ve created nothing but positive memories, apart from one thing. Months have passed, and we never talked since then. Things didn’t feel right, as it has always been, with me. Maybe after all these times, I got used to being alone. The loneliness became a comfortable place where I don’t want to be in, but it was the only comfort I knew. Any effort to connect with someone feels constantly fruitless, and I am finding it hard to define a lot of things with relationships. And so we go back to whether or not clinging to a hope of my people is worth anything.
Late night thoughts are always trivial. One time, I could say that life is really simple and the connections you’ll ever really need will arrive when they need to be in your life, much like how people think when they believe in “if it’s not okay, it’s not the end”. And maybe small talk is important. It teaches patience, that deeper conversations about life can wait until you know people’s thoughts about the weather. That is something I am still learning.
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