Entry 22: The People I Met and The New Perspectives I Gained

I want to be there for the people who have the potential for success, but have no confidence to be able to do so. I want to push them forward, but at the same time I want to push ME forward, and create the utmost best of what I’m capable of in this short life.
I’ve met a lot of people this year, and that opened doors and new perspectives.
Meeting PERSON #1 gave light to that and all the “ordinary” man is capable of. For many times, it’s easy to label someone at first glance – mostly the shirtless, smoking dudes who I see around the streets. But his talent is just amazing – too think that he only started to write stories this year…while I’ve been struggling for several.
Meeting PERSON #2 gave light to the wisdom and hospitality, and showed me a new-found perspective of the foreigner’s view of the country, and he did see potential in me. It sucks that I couldn’t use it properly.
Meeting PERSON #3 gave me perspective about the road towards success for most people who are around my age. She’s doing her best, and sometimes I feel inadequate..incapable, because she thinks I’m capable of much more. And of course I would love to be, seeing as how many months have passed.
Meeting PERSON #4 last 2012 opened my eyes about families, and dreams, and I believed in him and helped him to record his songs and with the one I wrote, he made one of my dreams into a reality, somehow.
All these people – so much more I couldn’t list here (because I’ve met a lot, really) – have their stories, and dreams, their individual shots at life. And it’s true that the amount of money person has doesn’t at all determine his worth.
But of course, this could be another one of my excuses.
It all boils down to what I really want to happen to my life. Dreaming is easy, but actually making them a reality takes a lot of effort and requires pushing through the darkness, especially if that dream is unconventional – going against the river flowing within.
But maybe it’s not that hard.

Entry 21: Still

Still dying. Same thoughts and state from 365 days ago. How sad. I can’t get through this on my own. But what use is blaming the circumstances now? Blaming the past? Funky town.

Entry 20: The Filipino College Graduate Taboo

How come almost every new person I know asks about whether or not I’m studying, where, whether I graduated from college or not?

And if I tell them I don’t go to college, they seem to see that as a negative and see it as something that’s for the better, in the long run.

They’re right. But look… I messed up, okay? I can’t be that guy anymore and I know I could be having that “graduation picture with hundreds of likes”. 

And it’s frustrating how there are THESE PEOPLE who only like to associate themselves with people who have “graduated” or only those who study at a top school. Well, I guess they just want the ‘most of out of their life’ and will only associate themselves with QUALITY PEOPLE. But, anyway it shouldn’t bother me all too much. Even if it does. When I sleep, I get dreams about school often, and it’s a dream that is closely linked to a past shame. Well, not everyone has their success stories. It’s just those people that I can’t help but be in fury about. 

It sucks because I can’t be with them, and will never be, because of the turn of events in my life. But why would I want to be? It sucks because they won’t change. 


Entry 19: Taboos and Strangers

People come and go. I guess that’s how it is. We have the liberty to choose who we wish to be with.

There are more than 7 BILLION people across this planet.

To think that we’d only be able to come across less than 1% – heck less than 0.001% – in our lifetime is kind of a letdown. But for some it’s not, and it just means that there’s new possibilities with someone else out there since the amount of people are……..seemingly infinite.

So when you see a stranger, guess what, he’s just a part of the 0.000001% of the entire world population, or if we’re being country specific maybe just 1 out of the 100 million people in the Philippines. And there are tons of us.

So yeah. All these people.


Unity – nah, kinda hard now.

Same cause.

Entry 18: I’m Not Some Kind of Suit-Wearing Pocket-Filled Man

I’m sorry if you kind of expected me, or well….at least saw that I was or seemed to be – as some kind of rich entrepreneur with an organized office and bringing into fruition all sorts of ideas. I may seem to look that part, but I’m not. And sorry if I couldn’t correct that observation. No, I don’t know what’s it like to HAVE my own room, and stay in an uncrowded house. And I often wonder now how convenient and good for me that would be. I live in a small house with 3 people, and our house has objects everywhere and everyone has their own agendas to tend to, and so I find it hard to focus on mine. OH fuck. I’m supposed to be working on my projects right now, but why? Oh…just…fuck myself

Entry 17: The Nagging Feeling of Getting Caught

Surprise! We’re the reapers of your sins, coming to get you and slash you into smithereens. The vegan police who’ll arrive knowing you violated the vegan code. Wait – what? I’m afraid. What if I’m not a good person. What if one day I get caught and thrown into jail for a wrong I committed that I’m not aware of. What if people hate me and see the wrong I’ve been doing and all along I was not aware. What if I’ll reap the consequences and there’s some kind of wrong-right scale that weighs all the bad things and it weighs heavier. 

For a long time I’ve grown with this feeling that people will dislike me if I do something or say something

Will I be able to stand up without giving a care?


Entry 16: Sorry Again

I’m sorry for being too sad and heavy to accomplish anything, even though the ability and time exists to bring something into fruition. I fight yet I still end up here, and it’s sad. Someone said that I have to love myself enough to spare myself the pain of loneliness. But how could I, at this state? But it’s the only way, and if I keep doing this, then it’s not going to be good. Am I sick and need medicine? I need to feel better, because time keeps moving and will eat me up if I don’t…

Entry 15: Rearranged Past

If onlys, written in the past… Would have made me a better person today. Would have opened doors towards my way. Now three years later and I could have been better. Is this where God says I should be? I don’t know, and don’t think he has a say about all the choices and consequences of my wrong decisions. If only someone knew… If only someone helped. I wouldn’t be depressed had things turned out differently. Remember who you were, at 16? The inspiration, the jolly tendencies. But no matter. I am still me, would still be. No achievement or “further along-ness” would alter the damage inflicted unto my soul. But now what… 

Entry 14: Still in Need

Why do I still feel needy, and why can’t I stand on my own, still? I THOUGHT I had all the inspiration necessary to do what needs to be done, yet instead, I still feel lifeless and unenergetic. Obviously, something has to change. I’ve got to give more than what I was used to. I… I just do not want to fail myself…