Still dying. Same thoughts and state from 365 days ago. How sad. I can’t get through this on my own. But what use is blaming the circumstances now? Blaming the past? Funky town.
How come almost every new person I know asks about whether or not I’m studying, where, whether I graduated from college or not?
And if I tell them I don’t go to college, they seem to see that as a negative and see it as something that’s for the better, in the long run.
They’re right. But look… I messed up, okay? I can’t be that guy anymore and I know I could be having that “graduation picture with hundreds of likes”.
And it’s frustrating how there are THESE PEOPLE who only like to associate themselves with people who have “graduated” or only those who study at a top school. Well, I guess they just want the ‘most of out of their life’ and will only associate themselves with QUALITY PEOPLE. But, anyway it shouldn’t bother me all too much. Even if it does. When I sleep, I get dreams about school often, and it’s a dream that is closely linked to a past shame. Well, not everyone has their success stories. It’s just those people that I can’t help but be in fury about.
It sucks because I can’t be with them, and will never be, because of the turn of events in my life. But why would I want to be? It sucks because they won’t change.
People come and go. I guess that’s how it is. We have the liberty to choose who we wish to be with.
There are more than 7 BILLION people across this planet.
To think that we’d only be able to come across less than 1% – heck less than 0.001% – in our lifetime is kind of a letdown. But for some it’s not, and it just means that there’s new possibilities with someone else out there since the amount of people are……..seemingly infinite.
So when you see a stranger, guess what, he’s just a part of the 0.000001% of the entire world population, or if we’re being country specific maybe just 1 out of the 100 million people in the Philippines. And there are tons of us.
So yeah. All these people.
Unity – nah, kinda hard now.
I’m sorry if you kind of expected me, or well….at least saw that I was or seemed to be – as some kind of rich entrepreneur with an organized office and bringing into fruition all sorts of ideas. I may seem to look that part, but I’m not. And sorry if I couldn’t correct that observation. No, I don’t know what’s it like to HAVE my own room, and stay in an uncrowded house. And I often wonder now how convenient and good for me that would be. I live in a small house with 3 people, and our house has objects everywhere and everyone has their own agendas to tend to, and so I find it hard to focus on mine. OH fuck. I’m supposed to be working on my projects right now, but why? Oh…just…fuck myself
Surprise! We’re the reapers of your sins, coming to get you and slash you into smithereens. The vegan police who’ll arrive knowing you violated the vegan code. Wait – what? I’m afraid. What if I’m not a good person. What if one day I get caught and thrown into jail for a wrong I committed that I’m not aware of. What if people hate me and see the wrong I’ve been doing and all along I was not aware. What if I’ll reap the consequences and there’s some kind of wrong-right scale that weighs all the bad things and it weighs heavier.
For a long time I’ve grown with this feeling that people will dislike me if I do something or say something
Will I be able to stand up without giving a care?
I’m sorry for being too sad and heavy to accomplish anything, even though the ability and time exists to bring something into fruition. I fight yet I still end up here, and it’s sad. Someone said that I have to love myself enough to spare myself the pain of loneliness. But how could I, at this state? But it’s the only way, and if I keep doing this, then it’s not going to be good. Am I sick and need medicine? I need to feel better, because time keeps moving and will eat me up if I don’t…
If onlys, written in the past… Would have made me a better person today. Would have opened doors towards my way. Now three years later and I could have been better. Is this where God says I should be? I don’t know, and don’t think he has a say about all the choices and consequences of my wrong decisions. If only someone knew… If only someone helped. I wouldn’t be depressed had things turned out differently. Remember who you were, at 16? The inspiration, the jolly tendencies. But no matter. I am still me, would still be. No achievement or “further along-ness” would alter the damage inflicted unto my soul. But now what…
Why do I still feel needy, and why can’t I stand on my own, still? I THOUGHT I had all the inspiration necessary to do what needs to be done, yet instead, I still feel lifeless and unenergetic. Obviously, something has to change. I’ve got to give more than what I was used to. I… I just do not want to fail myself…
I don’t want to be strong.
Why would I rather be weak than move on? I don’t want to be like them.
Just take me away from here.