Entry 20: The Filipino College Graduate Taboo

How come almost every new person I know asks about whether or not I’m studying, where, whether I graduated from college or not?

And if I tell them I don’t go to college, they seem to see that as a negative and see it as something that’s for the better, in the long run.

They’re right. But look… I messed up, okay? I can’t be that guy anymore and I know I could be having that “graduation picture with hundreds of likes”. 

And it’s frustrating how there are THESE PEOPLE who only like to associate themselves with people who have “graduated” or only those who study at a top school. Well, I guess they just want the ‘most of out of their life’ and will only associate themselves with QUALITY PEOPLE. But, anyway it shouldn’t bother me all too much. Even if it does. When I sleep, I get dreams about school often, and it’s a dream that is closely linked to a past shame. Well, not everyone has their success stories. It’s just those people that I can’t help but be in fury about. 

It sucks because I can’t be with them, and will never be, because of the turn of events in my life. But why would I want to be? It sucks because they won’t change. 

 

Entry 19: Taboos and Strangers

People come and go. I guess that’s how it is. We have the liberty to choose who we wish to be with.

There are more than 7 BILLION people across this planet.

To think that we’d only be able to come across less than 1% – heck less than 0.001% – in our lifetime is kind of a letdown. But for some it’s not, and it just means that there’s new possibilities with someone else out there since the amount of people are……..seemingly infinite.

So when you see a stranger, guess what, he’s just a part of the 0.000001% of the entire world population, or if we’re being country specific maybe just 1 out of the 100 million people in the Philippines. And there are tons of us.

So yeah. All these people.

Omegle.

Unity – nah, kinda hard now.

Same cause.

Entry 18: I’m Not Some Kind of Suit-Wearing Pocket-Filled Man

I’m sorry if you kind of expected me, or well….at least saw that I was or seemed to be – as some kind of rich entrepreneur with an organized office and bringing into fruition all sorts of ideas. I may seem to look that part, but I’m not. And sorry if I couldn’t correct that observation. No, I don’t know what’s it like to HAVE my own room, and stay in an uncrowded house. And I often wonder now how convenient and good for me that would be. I live in a small house with 3 people, and our house has objects everywhere and everyone has their own agendas to tend to, and so I find it hard to focus on mine. OH fuck. I’m supposed to be working on my projects right now, but why? Oh…just…fuck myself

Entry 17: The Nagging Feeling of Getting Caught

Surprise! We’re the reapers of your sins, coming to get you and slash you into smithereens. The vegan police who’ll arrive knowing you violated the vegan code. Wait – what? I’m afraid. What if I’m not a good person. What if one day I get caught and thrown into jail for a wrong I committed that I’m not aware of. What if people hate me and see the wrong I’ve been doing and all along I was not aware. What if I’ll reap the consequences and there’s some kind of wrong-right scale that weighs all the bad things and it weighs heavier. 

For a long time I’ve grown with this feeling that people will dislike me if I do something or say something

Will I be able to stand up without giving a care?

 

Entry 16: Sorry Again

I’m sorry for being too sad and heavy to accomplish anything, even though the ability and time exists to bring something into fruition. I fight yet I still end up here, and it’s sad. Someone said that I have to love myself enough to spare myself the pain of loneliness. But how could I, at this state? But it’s the only way, and if I keep doing this, then it’s not going to be good. Am I sick and need medicine? I need to feel better, because time keeps moving and will eat me up if I don’t…

Entry 15: Rearranged Past

If onlys, written in the past… Would have made me a better person today. Would have opened doors towards my way. Now three years later and I could have been better. Is this where God says I should be? I don’t know, and don’t think he has a say about all the choices and consequences of my wrong decisions. If only someone knew… If only someone helped. I wouldn’t be depressed had things turned out differently. Remember who you were, at 16? The inspiration, the jolly tendencies. But no matter. I am still me, would still be. No achievement or “further along-ness” would alter the damage inflicted unto my soul. But now what… 

Entry 14: Still in Need

Why do I still feel needy, and why can’t I stand on my own, still? I THOUGHT I had all the inspiration necessary to do what needs to be done, yet instead, I still feel lifeless and unenergetic. Obviously, something has to change. I’ve got to give more than what I was used to. I… I just do not want to fail myself…

Entry 12: Remember All… Let it Go

Feeble little boy,  I am. Surrounded by much greatness.. When is self-belief appropriate, and when do I believe I’m merely a seed in comparison? The path is paved with people who know their way around the laws and regulations, as well as the self-confidence and the appropriate actions necessary. No one really likes the feeble little boy who struggles a lot, right? Who doesn’t know, who doesn’t get the act right.. Who voices out his deepest darkest complaints as though they were words from the pit of hell. 

Where am I meant for? 

When do I let go? What does letting go mean? 

I’m sorry… I’m really sorry. I apologize if I can’t be what I would like to be. My lifetime lasts but a second,  and none understands.. They choose to judge and put all the weight on your shoulders. This is your life. You’ve got to live it and you’re on your own. They say. 

There’s no room for the deepest and darkest complaints and the seemingly unnecessary. 

Is anybody out there? Please help me be… Please help me when I can no longer help myself – both with the inability, the incapacity and the lack of will. 

 

Whoa… It’s Christmas Day. Why all this craziness? You’re setting yourself up for failure! 

No.. Wait, am I? 

I… Can’t help but keep looking down. 😦 I can’t look at life straight in the eye when I’m like this – so fragile, so weak. Jumping from fences of disbelief and belief. Getting all of it wrong. Why can’t I just do this? I need something different! I need real, burning passion.. 

 

 

Entry 11: Truth

The lack of clear truth sucks.

BS. Reason, evidence, deep unnecessary jargon. 

The billions of stars, the galaxies. The insignificance.

What is truth?! Show yourself.

If truth is something that’s purely rational, where love, grace and kindness aren’t brought into equation – then that truth better be thrown away because that’s SICK. 

It’s not freakin’ about you. It’s not freakin’ always about you. Why does it have to be that you put yourself above everything. What good would that truth be if you don’t care for the people around you?

There is some deeper, greater truths in hugs, care, affection and help…. It’s not always about a mental condition or a thought process of the mind, getting to a certain ‘aha’ FACT, and things just falling into place!

If your version of truth is all about living for yourself and making it big in your own way then..is that really the bigger picture?

What are you?! Why?! 

 

I’m probably just gonna cry in the corner, realizing that this stream of emotions are only fueled by the wrong things. It’s all unfair, but trying to reach out for some real love here..